


I don't want to be a man

by Sollux-Captor (Nightwing132)



Series: I Don't Want to be a Man [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Jake, Autistic Jake English, Developing Relationship, Dirk feels guilty about being a man, Gender Dysphoria, Jake is a nonbianry boy, M/M, Relationship Problems, Trans Dirk Strider, and still figuring stuff out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-16 13:42:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16955118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nightwing132/pseuds/Sollux-Captor
Summary: Gender is complicated, especially when you're 19 and one of the gods of a new world and do labels even mater?





	I don't want to be a man

**Author's Note:**

> OK so in this fic (and series, cause there is gonna be some continuation after this) Jake is, for lack of better label, a non-binary man (but doesn't like to be labeled as a man or as trans) and Dirk is a trans man. I'm a non-binary trans man and I won't lie this series started because I wanted to vent about gender and labels and philosophy. 
> 
> Also fair warning, that dirk makes some sexual remarks about Jake that makes him feel uncomfortable and it's not dealt with or resolved (but they're will be future fics where they work that stuff out) there is also a description of going into sensory overload and a description of gender dysphoria. If you want to avoid these moments, the description of gender dysphoria is during the shower scene and the description of sensory overload is in the first four paragraphs.

 

Earth C was reasonably nice, Jake figured. Even if it was...crowded. God that sounded so ridiculous. Crowded, there was hardly anyone here, however, anyone at all seemed like far to many. Going from being the only person you interacted with, sans brobot, to being expected to interact with so many people is stressful.

 

At least Dirk seemed to understand, he seemed to miss the loneliness as well. 

It wasn’t that he didn’t like spending time with his friends, but sometimes, it all become too much and the world got to heavy and the sounds to loud and everything felt like it was crashing, like a storm on hellmurder island but so much worse, even if it was less deadly. 

Hiding was an option, it didn’t seem very heroic and it didn’t seem very god like, but it was the safest option, to just run and hide. Shutdown yourself because you can’t shut down the world and you just need a break. 

So he was hiding, at dirk’s apartment, curled up under the bed where it seemed dirk had thrown some half-finished puppets and some ...uh interesting magazines. Jake tried to count his breathes, it helped sometimes, to just hyper focus on something simple and natural. His breath hitched as he heard the bed creek, dirk’s legs were visible from where he was under the bed, as the prince of heart pulled himself onto his bed. 

“Sorry.” Dirk mumbled, “you can come up here and hide under the blanket if you’re feeling up to it, if you want to stay down there that's fine too.”

Jake counted down from ten and crawled out from under the bed, the hope player curled up under the duvet, making sure the sheet separated his and his boyfriend’s body and clung close to him. 

Dirk leaned down and kissed the top of Jake’s head through the duvet and turned off the light. Sleep was, not to anyone’s surprise, easier on a bed and with someone safe nearby. 

When morning arrived Jake realized he had somehow made it under the sheets, he much suspected that this was Dirk’s doing and made a mental note to scold the other when he had the chance and wasn’t feeling so blissful. 

Jake pressed a kiss onto his boyfriend’s cheeks and was surprised when dirk in return kissed him back, eyes still closed. 

“And how long have you been awake, then old chap?” Jake questioned, snuggling closer to the other boy. 

“Couple of hours.” Dirk deadpanned wrapping his arms around Jake and attempting to pull him closer, as if he could somehow mold their bodies together until there was no space between them. 

Jake grinned against dirk’s cheek, “You’re such an odd one,” he pulled away only to come closer and press his lips against the blonde’s, “I simply don’t know what to do with you.” 

“Should kiss me again,” smirked Dirk as he opened his eyes, staring at the brunette with longing “, should kiss me over and over again.” 

“Well, aren’t you cheeky,” laughed Jake as he pandered to Dirk pressing kiss after kiss onto grinning lips. 

“Like this,” dirk whispered pulling Jake forward, pressing their lips together before pushing them open with his tongue, caressing the soft caverns of his mouth. Jake shuddered and pulled up. 

“Oh, Like that.” mumbled Jake, blushing as he licked across his own teeth and pressed against the other. 

“Too much?” Dirk questioned running his hand through Jake’s hair and sighing deeply

“I don’t mean to be a tease,” Jake proclaimed feeling his face heat up in shame as his nerves wracked up higher and higher. 

“Bro, it’s alright, you don’t want to make out. That’s fine. I’m not mad, you’re not required to stick your tongue down my throat, I promise.” Dirk said pulling himself out of bed, “I’m gonna go make breakfast. You didn’t shower yesterday, go do that and please don’t jerk off in my shower, it’s a sacred place.” 

Jake groaned into a pillow, “I’m not gonna jerk off in your shower, get your mind out of the gutter, Strider!” 

Jake stumbled into the bathroom and pulled off his clothes, glancing at his body in the mirror. He supposed it was an alright body, he had a lot of good muscle mass, abs, a defined jaw, his legs were very well-defined (he was quite proud of that), and his shoulders were nice and broad, his body narrowed as it reached his hips, it was a nice body. He understood the appeal Dirk saw in it, but still, it didn’t feel right all the time. 

The Page of Hope sighed and turned on the shower, it was hot within seconds and the water pressure was perfect. Strider wasn’t lying when he said it was a sacred place. All the stress seemed to roll of off him and swirl into the drain, the air got heavy and the urge to let go and just sink into oblivion settled around him. Jake sighed softly as he ran his hands across his stomach and over his thighs. 

****  
  


A knock on the door, “Jake are you jerking off in my shower, I told you not to jerk off in my shower, bro!” Dirk’s voice shouted out. 

“I’m not jerking off, dammit Dirk!” Jake yelled back, “I’m washing my hair and you’ve made that difficult seeing as there is no shampoo in here!” 

“It’s in the cabinet, under the counter, left hand side” Dirk said threw the door,    
“You know you don’t have the wash your hair everyday right, like you should only wash your hair three or four times a week because the natural oils are good for your hair’s health” 

“Strider, that’s gross.” Jake remarked pulling open the curtain and braving the cold air to reach the shampoo, “I’m going to keep washing my hair everyday!” 

“You can ask rose!! You shouldn’t wash it everyday!” Dirk’s voice got further away as he spoke, walking away from the door. 

“Rose and you are gross, you have the gross gene!” Jake hollered as loud as he could lathering shampoo into his hair, his urge to do anything provocative had definitely been killed by his boyfriend. 

When Jake got out of the shower, freshly cleaned the mirrors had steamed up, blocking the view of his body, somehow this was a relief. He wrapped himself in a towel and made his way to the kitchen, met with one of Stirder’s wolf whistles, he felt his face heat up and coughed, “I didn’t bring over an extra set of clothes.” 

“That’s fine by me, you don’t have to put anything on at all,” Strider laughed as he scrambled some eggs. 

“Well I think I’d like to,” Sighed Jake, “You don’t think you have anything that might fit me?” 

Dirk frowned, “I don’t know, you’re a bit bigger than I am. Maybe try one of my bigger shirts, I have some X-L’s from back before I started binding, they should be in the back of my closet, I’m not sure about pants though, you might want to just re-wear your shorts.” 

Jake grumbled to himself and went to search for a shirt, Sure enough there was a couple of over-sized shirts in the back of the closet, Jake pulled on the largest of them and it reached all the way to the middle of his thighs, He shrugged and went back to the kitchen where Dirk was plating eggs and bacon. 

“You must have drowned in this shirt.” Jake laughed. 

“I did, I just tucked all of the excess into my pants and, it warm and comfortable though- Jake, are you not wearing any pants.” 

“Nope, didn’t seem all that necessary to put on dirty clothes if this just covered everything already.” Jake said with a smile taking a plate from Dirk. 

Strider licked his lips, which Jake has learned was never a good sign, “So are you saying you’re not wearing anything at all under my shirt?” 

“Yeah, like I said, didn’t see the point.” Jake reiterated as he started to dig into his breakfast. 

Dirk promptly placed his head into one of the kitchen cabinets and let out a sob and he clenched his fists in the fabric of his jeans. 

“You alright,chum?” Jake asked tilting his head to the side. 

“”My man is eating eggs in my kitchen and he’s not wearing any underwear, just my shirt” Dirk deadpanned. 

“Um, dirk.” Jake said, putting his fork down and starting to play with the edge of his borrowed shirt, “I’m not sure I like it when you do that.”

Dirk slumped against the counter, “the, uh, sexual remarks? God I’m sorry, I really don’t want you to think I’m trying to make you do anything, I just-” 

“No, not that. I mean, well sometimes that but that’s not what I’m talking about” Jake interjected, “I’m just, I don’t think I like it all that much when you call me your man.” 

“Fuck you’re right that’s like gross and possessive of me, ‘m sorry I-” 

“Dammit strider, no that’s not it. I don’t mind being called yours...I actually quite like it, I just. I don’t think I like being called a man.” Jake mumbled the last part under his breath. 

Dirk sat down at the table across from Jake with his own plate of breakfast, but didn’t make any move to eat anything, “You don’t like being called a man?” 

“I, no. I don’t think I’m all that comfortable with that? I think I’d rather be called a boy?” Jake said, asking more than telling, his eyes facing towards the ground, he could feel Dirk’s gaze boring directly into him. 

“I’m not sure I feel comfortable with that,” replied Dirk a minute later, “Do you...not feel mature enough to be a man?  I don’t want to feel like I’m dating a kid or someone who doesn’t feel like they are an adult, ya know. That makes me feel like I’m some kind of predator” 

“No, I’m an adult!” Cried Jake, burying his face into his hands, “that’s not what I mean, Dirk!” 

“What do you mean? Explain it to me, please?” Dirk said taking a shaky breath. 

“It’s just, “man” makes me feel uncomfortable? Like I’m scary and mean and I don’t like it.” Jake whispered, his eyes starting to water. 

“I, do you - do you think I’m mean and scary” Dirk asked his voice cracking, “because I’m a man.”

“No, I don’t!” Jake urged, “that’s not what I’m trying to say, you’re a man and that’s fine, you know, you’re strong and kind of macho and that’s fine, that not a bad thing!” 

“You know, just because you're not macho doesn’t mean you’re not a man” dirk said, choosing to gloss over the fact that Jake was more masculine than he was by a mile, “if you want to be more feminine that doesn’t make you not a man” 

“Dirk, you’re not listening” sighed Jake, “that’s not what I mean, I know there are feminine men, I just, I don’t like the label “man” it makes me feel bad.”

“Ok.” sighed Dirk, “so you want me to call you a boy and not a man?” 

“Or guy, or dude, or chap, or bro. If calling me a boy makes you that uncomfortable you don’t really have to.” Jake said, he sounded exhausted. 

“I’m sorry” Dirk said, he ran a hand through his hair, “I wish i had my glasses on.” 

“You can go get them or if you want I can go get them for you,” replied Jake

“Yeah I’m going to go get my shades, you eat your food before it gets cold.” Dirk stammered as he rushed towards the bedroom. 

Jake pushed the rest of his eggs into the garbage disposal, he didn’t feel hungry anymore, he just felt tired. 

Dirk came back into the kitchen his signature shades on his face, denying himself any emotion. He shoved all of his eggs into the disposal as well. 

“Jake?” Dirk asked. 

“Yeah?”

“You promise you don’t think I’m bad for being a man?” 

“Dirk, there’s nothing wrong with you liking being a man or wanting to be called a man,” Jake said pulling Dirk into a hug. 

Dirk pressed a kiss against Jake’s neck, “I’m sorry” 

“You don’t need to apologize.” Jake mumbled pressing a kiss to the top of Dirk’s head. “I love you.” 

“Love you to, dude. You’re my favourite boy, promise.” laughed Dirk, trying to not sob into his boyfriend's shoulder. 

“I have to go and hang out with Jade. I promised her I would,” Jake signed rubbing dirk’s back. 

Dirk groaned and slumped against Jake, “Ok, and do you plan on going out in only my shirt and nothing else?”

“Well, why not, how else is everyone going to know about all the dirty things you did to me last night” chuckled Jake 

“Oh please, I wish,” Dirk grumbled into Jake's collar-bone, “Haven’t done anything depraved to you at all in an entire week” 

“I’ll let you do something depraved later, I really do have to go meet up with Jade, now. You should eat something while I’m gone, go hang out with Dave or something.” Jake smiled as he pulled away from dirk. 

“I’m going to take a very long shower and then I’ll eat something, promise.” 

“Good, I’ll be back in a couple of hours with lunch, old chum.” Jake kissed Dirk’s cheek and decided everything was going to be fine. Even if it was all confusing and loud and sometimes too much. Earth C was their world and they were going to blossom in it. 

**Author's Note:**

> Please Comment !!! It gives me the energy and motivation to keep writing, also feel free to hit me up on twitter @ConfirmedTrash, my DM's are open!


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